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Dec. 25th, 2006

someone shoot me for being so unbelievably lame.


please explain it to me. now? thanks.

myspace blogs are annoying.
hand-written journals make my hand hurt.
and the real reason i don't like livejournal is ridiculously pathetic. you ready?

not enough people have it. do i really need that much attention? apparently so.

plus these one-line paragraphs are annoying even to me. i'm going crazy i think. really.

uh...merry christmas i guess. and happy movie and chinese food day to all the jews. go see the pursuit of happyness.

socal vacation next week. i'm so ready.

Aug. 13th, 2006

forget it.

i'm done with this. i know it didn't last very long. and it seems like with me, not much does anymore. but that's not the point. i don't need the entire world to know how i feel and what i'm thinking.

so as of now, i am officially back to the traditional, hand-written, PRIVATE journal. and i promise, as i have in the past, that i will NOT make another livejournal. or xanga. or whatever. if there's something you need to know, i'll put it in a myspace blog or something. bye, guys. it was nice while it lasted.


Aug. 11th, 2006


i know what's wrong, and i've decided with my mom to finally take the necessary first step to fix it. i'm proud of myself. so yeah. possible details and explanations later.

Aug. 10th, 2006


today just confirmed what i have been telling myself for the last few weeks about her. and i'm happy now. i'm happy that i've separated myself from that and that i've figured things out and re-aligned myself with the right people, i guess. i had a lot of fun, and we're just gonna have more fun tomorrow. i'm SO excited for school to start.

i miss paolo a lot. i had a one-sided conversation with myself today, just to make sure that i wasn't insane and to confirm that he really is the amazing friend that i think he is. so i thought of all the nice things he's said and done for me and how much adivce he's given me and how honest he's been and everything. and he really is a great friend. one of my best friends. and i'm confident that it won't change, even throughout highschool. hell, we'll just meet at starbucks!! haha. but yeah. i miss him a lot. he should be home from italy soon, i hope...

in other news, matt nathanson is opening for train in a few weeks and i'm almost positively going. should be amazing.

and yeah. i guess that's it. nothing too exciting. happy birthday tomorrow, annelise.

EDIT: hah. i just realized how ridiculous that sounded. i had a one-sided conversation with myself to make sure i wasn't insane? haha. nice.

Aug. 8th, 2006

(no subject)

just because i miss you doesn't mean i ever want to talk to you again.

Aug. 7th, 2006

(no subject)

show me how pretty the world is 'cause i want something a little bit louder.

Aug. 6th, 2006

(no subject)

friday night, my mom and i drove down to buttonwillow. we bought my new shoes first, though. it'S kinda sad, though, because i pretty much slept the whole time. oh well.

we went to san diego on saturday with all the demmitts and stanleys for ian's birthday. it was cool to get to see everyone and spend time with them and stuff. tabitha is SO big and adorable, it's ridiculous. and ian and christopher are still just as amazingly cute and fun as they've always been. i really do love them all. jimi, chris and i sat in the splash zone for the shamu show and got SOAKED. it was ridiculous. we went on the scary not-impossible atlantis rollercoaster/waterride/elevator thing. that was cool. it was really crowded there and it made me rethink how i feel about people in general. a lot of them are pretty obnoxious.

i went home with jimi and kamyar and spent the night at their house. we had to break the jimi/sarah talking tradition because it was 2 in the morning and we both fell asleep in the car and were exhausted. we woke up this morning and met my mom and brother for breakfast, and then the three of us got on the road and drove home.

so now my brother's back, and my sister gets back tomorrow. and for the first time since june 19th when i left for camp, the ENTIRE ducker family will be in our house at once. and for the first time since a few days before school got out, we will all be here WITHOUT godfather john. hah.

and just so you know, everything's gonna be okay.

i know it.

Aug. 4th, 2006


now part of me kinda wishes i was staying the two weeks in LA. i'm kinda ready to get away from here for a while. oh well. the decision is made and i'm just going with my mom to san diego for the weekend. we're driving to buttonwillow [right near bakersfield] and spending the night in a hotel, and then waking up early tomorrow and driving to seaworld. spending the day there with the demmitts and stanleys and then spending the night either at jimi's house or a hotel near her house. i'm not sure which yet. and then getting up early and driving home sunday.

noo valley at all.
no sherman oaks.
no van nuys.
no reseda.
no kenza, jenny, becca, kelsey, sarah or jessica.
no nothing.

this is the first summer since i was 6 years old that i won't be attending GCA. which means that last summer was my last as a kid. this is the first summer of my LIFE, i believe, that i won't be going to disneyland.

it's crazy, and sometimes i miss living down there. i miss hollywood and disneyland and scary helicopters flying over our apartment building and police with better things to do than set speedtraps all over the place because redwood city is boring and nothing happens here.

okay, that last complaint was lame. i should probably be happy that the police here have nothing to do. maybe i should just stop complaining altogether. ugh. paolo says i'm being overdramatic about the situation mentioned in my previous post. oh well. that's me. i'm overdramatic. and everyone's gonna just have to accept that.


Aug. 3rd, 2006

you. you you you you you.

i had a conversation with two of my friends about you yesterday. they made me feel kinda bad for everything i've done this year. i tried to do what was right for ME for once and maybe that didn't work out so well. mostly because it's just ended up hurting me now. i absolutely regret getting so close to you. you hurt me several times this year and i just let it go because i was just another victim of your trap. yeah, that's right. i'm not the only one you've hurt. sometimes you acted like you cared and other times you didn't, but i guess the times you did made it all seem worthwhile. well, not anymore. i'm not blind, and i'm not blowing this out of proportion. any effort i've made to talk to you, you haven't responded. you obviously don't care, or if you do, you're doing a really bad job of showing it. i've called you one of my best friends for almost a year now, and it's never been a mutual feeling. deep down, i've known it all along, but now it's become really apparent.

i really did value your friendship so much. much more than you could ever possibly understand. ever since that night last september, i was determined to become really good friends with you. we had a lot in common, we could easily carry a conversation for hours, and i just had fun talking to you. i thought you were a really cool person and i admired you a lot. and you know what? i had good reason to. despite all the bad things, you really did help me a lot. for the most part, you were there when i needed to talk to someone. i told you pretty much every thought that ran through my head. i confided in you. and you didn't let me down. you were always there with good advice and a way of cheering me up that no one else had. in the last few months, i had a lot of fun hanging out with you. and i really, honestly do think that you are the major contributor to this new, good-attitude, look on the bright side perspective that i have now. i am a much happier person now than i was this time last year, and you're the only thing i can think of that really could have made than happen. so thank you.

but those two friends i talked to yesterday were right. and it kills me to admit it. they were right all along. i hurt them, and i hurt myself. and you hurt me. everyone's just doing a lot of hurting, huh? i guess so.

i don't know if we'll ever have a real conversation again. and honestly, i don't care anymore. i'm assuming you don't either, or i would think you would have made some kind of effort by now. i spent hours and hours and hours at the beginning of summer crying over the fact that i wasn't going to school with you and him anymore. but you know what? i'm glad now. i need a fresh start with my real friends that i should have been loyal to this year -- instead of you. i'm glad we're going to different schools and i wish you luck in high school. i'll miss you but i'll keep lying to myself and telling myself i don't. but that's how it always is. whatever. i guess this is goodbye.

ps. everything's cool with rachael, i think.

Aug. 2nd, 2006

so pretty much...

today was amazing. i use that word too often. oh well. it was incredible. fantastic. unbelievable. i don't know. not only did i get to spend a day with annelise and arielle, and not only did i take the train which is always fun, and not only did i get to be in san francisco which is practically my favorite place in the world, but i got to see camp people. i saw rachael and alli, which was awesome. i saw sasha and mica and grace. i saw mimi and chelsea. i saw SHAYNA AND ELIANA AND HANNAH REFF AND SARAH KASAVAN AND JESS O THE ROSHA AND JAKE AND SAMARA AND LEAH [aka amazingincrediblebeststaffeverforhagigah]. i saw other people, too. it was awesome. i hung out with alli mostly and she introduced me to people and stuff. it was a lot of fun. then they all left to go walk across the golden gate bridge and i said my goodbyes and it was sad, but it was okay because i was just SOO happy that i got to go. then i spent three more hours hanging out with arielle and annelise on the embarcadero and in the ferry building, and then annelise and i took bart back to millbrae where my mommy picked us up.

fun, fun, FUN day.


i love you.

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